I write this as I watch my almost 10 week old in the monitor sleeping in her crib in her room for the first time. Last night I slept in the room with her, so I'd say that this is progress. Ever have those realizations that catch you off guard, but not entirely off guard? Like you had a sneaky suspicion you'd be THAT mom that you thought you wouldn't be? During pregnancy I never took a clear stance on many things, made sure I "never said never", but I had a plan.
I had a moment today as I was cleaning the car seat of what was an epic blowout on the way to church. It was one of those cleaning jobs that introduces you to the fact the car seat cover does come off (thank God). Sparing you the details, but it took me 30 minutes to clean my daughter and car seat. I am thankful for the nursery staff that let me use their changing table because for some odd reason this church's bathroom does NOT have a changing station in their women's room (seriously?!). But, as I was cleaning and leaving my immobile child on the changing table a nursery worker saved her from rolling in her mess and held her for me.
Realization number 1- I am not ready for her to go into the nursery at church, even at 10 weeks old. As that sweet nursery worker held my baby, I wanted to hurry up and get both of us out of there. I have worked the church nursery since I was 12. I had no idea the inner turmoil mom's must go through before leaving their kids with strangers, even in a church nursery. Luckily for the mom's leaving their kiddos with me knew me since I was that size. To all those new moms that I convinced to leave their babies in the nursery with me, lets just agree to sit in the cry room together and grip our first born tightly and watch the service on closed circuit tv, ok? I am speaking for all the new moms out there who go to church-- having nursing mom/cry rooms with the ability to hear/see the service with your ticking time bomb of a baby is PRICELESS. What helped me feel great about getting back to church with a newborn, I knew I had a safe room for my kid to lose her mind or eat loudly uncovered.
Realization number 2- I have more separation anxiety than I expected. Moving Ellis to her room, just the thought of it had me reaching for xanax. A day running errands, as soon as I get home I hold her and let her nap next to me while I work. I miss my kid, even when she's in the same house/vehicle. I seriously started feeling tears well up in my eyes from the anxiousness I had when I made the decision to let her sleep in her own room. The last time I had that same scared/anxious feeling was when I decided to move to Texas from Connecticut. I allow myself some grace. I had this girl inside me for 41 weeks and haven't really left her in the 10 weeks of her life. I brought my favorite teddy bear to college and marriage ( I don't sleep with it, but I know its there).
Realization number 3- Tonight I left my sleeping baby with my husband at home, for the first time EVER. As I walked through Target, aimlessly wandering, I felt lost. I didn't know how to meander. I couldn't figure out what to do in Target without my time clock called a baby. I did probably the WORST thing by attempting to find a bathing suit top (gave up after trying on 1 top). I wandered into the baby dept. and stared at clothing that she doesn't need. My amazing husband even gave me an allowance to buy something. I couldn't do it. So I went to Walmart, and still aimlessly wandered the BABY aisle. I only texted my husband once (or twice) asking if she was still breathing. But I texted a few friends for support, because momma needed xanax bad. I finally shook some sense into myself and asked what is one place I can't easily go to with a carseat/baby? JIMMYJOHNS. With all my freedom bestowed upon me, I went to Jimmy Johns and got a tuna sandwich. #lame
After all is said and done, I texted one of my friends who is about to have baby #2, to apologize for a few things when her baby #1 was here. I apologized for laughing at her when she said she missed her baby when she was in the back in her carseat. I apologized for suggesting she leave her kid for a weekend while we all went away. I apologized for being offended when she told me I would understand when I became a mom. And you know what, as hard as it was to hear that, ITS SO DAMN TRUE. Motherhood is great. I am not sure I'm seeing the rewards yet, but I know they're coming. You really don't know how you'll feel about anything until you are a mom. So I am one of THOSE moms, who loves their kid and misses them when they're sleeping. I know there will come a day when I am beyond ready to go to target by myself. So the next time my husband asks if I enjoyed myself, I can hopefully honestly say yes.