There are times in life where you don't have any control over any part of a situation. The only thing you have control over is your attitude & the inner voice you will listen to.
Within the past week or so the lie I'm falling for says, I'm a terrible person. It's a phrase I say after I say something ugly & admit I'm saying something mean. Sometimes, I'll say something cynical or a bit aggressive/blunt/honest/hurtful with my group of friends and immediately I admit I'm a terrible person.
I didn't cook dinner for the husband, I'm a terrible person.
I didn't return an email fast enough, I'm a terrible person.
I haven't been working out as much as I say I want to, I'm a terrible person.
I haven't been praying or spending time in the bible, I'm a terrible person.
I said something hurtful to someone, I'm a terrible person.
My husband and close friends know I am not a crier. I don't just outright cry when I am feeling hurt or emotional. Catch me on a day when I am tired/stressed/irritated/at my threshold of tolerance, I breakdown. Now, the conundrum in this - I cry watching movies. Its more of a teary eyed sniffle.
It was Wednesday of last week that we got back from our vacation that I'm a terrible person statement hit me hard. So much so I just sobbed with my husband long enough to have a headache the next day. One little insecurity triggered the avalanche of emotions I kept at bay. We have had a rough couple of months when it comes to emotions.
In February we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. We were trying, so excited and amazed that on our first try we got it! Of course I was way too excited to keep my mouth shut. I tried my hardest to not blurt it out. We were only 6 weeks along & I am 26 and healthy. We posted an announcement on facebook and within an hour I started to bleed. I called my nurse friend and asked if I should be worried because it wasn't just spotting. Before the end of the evening I found myself in the Emergency Room, frustrated, hurt, sad, anxious & mostly heart broken. It was in the ER where I went from sobbing to peace. The Lord met me right there with his peace. I clung to knowing that God is in Control. It was an unbelievable peace, even as I went home empty, that fell on me. I found myself unable to voice what I was feeling to my husband, so I hid my sobs in the shower so he would think I was strong. Im thankful for my friend Dani who was with me for the bulk of it. We laughed and cried in the ER together (husband was playing at a church service). She later told me on her drive home she cried uncontrollably for me. Funny part: as Dani and I were in the ER, the Ultrasound Tech asked if we were sisters... Dani said we were friends that had lived together until we got married.. not to each other.. to separate but similar husbands. We found some humor in the ER.
At first, I was so mad at myself for posting on facebook. I'm a terrible person for posting that. I should've waited..ughh.. I had to sit on my hands for 3 days before I could bring myself to take down the post and deliver the bad news. I prayed for God to give me the wisdom in the whole delivering bad news to social media thing. I posted a verse and said we had lost our first and once I did, it was as if a whole new community emerged. Family, Friends, acquaintances started just overwhelming me with support, love & encouragement. Some people who I admired from afar contacted me and encouraged me.
I'm a terrible person still lurked in my mind. I know it wasn't my fault we lost the baby, but as a woman I can't help but feel like it was.
The rest of February through beginning of March blurred on. We grieved, had peace and kept moving forward. We enjoyed another month of being newlyweds, in the full capacity of that term. So when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN just 1 month after the first loss, my heart sank & anxiety came on strong. I texted my closest friends for prayer and just tried to give it up. In my heart I felt like this one would be different. No matter the prayers, I started bleeding again. This time I was plain frustrated & angry. I went to my ob and we had lost this one. In my mind I couldn't get rid of the thought I'm a terrible person. I pushed back any grieving for this vacation, I didn't want my friends to treat me any differently, tenderly or even nurse me. I wanted to enjoy it at full capacity. Reality came harsh when we got back.
I'm a terrible person was all I could sob to my husband. I'm a terrible designer, wife, photographer, woman, person, daughter... I love my husband. He so gently whispered, It's not your fault. I feel like that was the Father speaking through him. I felt like everything that was happening was my fault, was consequences for previous sins. It took my husband praying over me and a good night's sleep to clearly see what was happening. I turned the I'm a terrible person into my truth. Crazy thing is, I know better than that. I know I am not a terrible person. I know God's truth.
This is a forever long post. There are so many details I left off. One thing I can't leave off is the fact God's timing is perfect. In both moments of fear, grief & loss - God had one of my mentors reach out to me at the right time. You know that timing. I am thankful for those ladies who talked me through the hard stuff. So many friends loved on me, thank you. If you are reading this, you know who you are.
Besides my faith in God, amazing friends, a few things that encouraged me through both times:
Casey Weigand Blog
Glory Baby Song
God is in Control Song